Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
