Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
