Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
