Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
