dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
