I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
