When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
