So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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