Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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