Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
