i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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