Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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