I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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