She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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