Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
