I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Randomize
