I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
