Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
This is my gift to your gina
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Randomize
