my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
