I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
