no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
