And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
