I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
