No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
