note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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