great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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