I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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