so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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