Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
she peed on how many people?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
