did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
