apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
