What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
