I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
