Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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