I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i permit you to call me
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
