Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
