Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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