god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
