He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Houston, we have a blender
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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