Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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