Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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