When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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