Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
