im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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