You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
