I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
