Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
