All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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