Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i will never coherently bang her
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
