Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
