sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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